When I was a child I lived in a world where adults ruled.
My father was strict – mother tried to be – I watched other children do things I was never allowed to.
At school in the uk I learnt about pain, about unfairness – in particular I can remember one twisted headmaster giving me endless lectures before he beat me. I stood on his rich thick carpet thinking about how much of what he said was lies, pure and simple – how he expected me to believe him. I had to nod in agreement from time to time – and say the right words. Funnily enough I think he had a awareness of how disgusting I though he was – but that simply drove him on.
After the some of the worst of his excesses I lost it – this drove him to caution and gave me a lesson in manipulation ive never forgotten. Yes you can beat the shit out of your opponents if they are much stronger than you – you just have to change the rules and do it in a way they never see coming. There are a few mottoes to remember along the way – the primary one being, revenge is a dish best eaten cold.
Many years later I learnt that this is the kind of world we live in – we are expected to nod and say the right words because we are good citizens – we are expected to follow the majority because the majority is always right.
That is a lie too.
As time went on I tried so hard to be part of the system – one of “everyone” but I could never forget the lies and their significance, it seemed to haunt me at every turn, changing my life – sometimes disastrously so – other times very much to my benefit. I learnt to think for myself – to stand in a crowd listening to the speaker and to hear what he was not saying – to look underneath – to find the hidden things – not very difficult to do if you are aware. Im my own terms i have been extremely successful – the operative words being MY OWN TERMS.
My life has been an unusual journey – discovering people who though they were free thinkers being very much part of the system they so despised but under another guise – discovering people who were part of a very strict system but it gave them a freedom few posses, it even gave them far more free speech than the so called liberals. – again lies within lies.
Here in Norway we pride ourselves on our education – my education has been seriously lacking in structure but very fine in content – if i need to learn something i know how – I consider most education training.
It is interesting to go to meetings and make statements which inter mesh with the education the leaders have received but at the same time deny it. I am not entirely sure of my motives but I think it has to do with the lies that were promoted by the system I engaged with as a child. My overt desire – to make people think for themselves – to be responsible for themselves outside the system, to use the system but not be owned by it – to stand up for whatever you think is right – that sounds easy, but is it??
Are my motives divorced from trying to gain revenge on the system that so deceived me? That is actually a very amusing thought.
For me freedom is the right to have my own thoughts and actions unfettered by any external influence – wow, heavy stuff and definitely not possible, is this a problem? Not in any way because by believing the last 2 items – not possible and a problem I have made a start.
No I do not make decisions after thinking is anything forcing me to do this – I make decisions based on my feelings – so someone is pressurising me to do something I examine my feelings about it first then I try to block all emotions and make a dispassionate decision – it is all to easy to be the eternal rebel and be wrong, I do not like being a rebel though I am. Being aware is very much part of the cure.
I live outside the system at the same time as being very much part of and engaged in many issues – over the years my eccentricities have been a curse and a boon – they have given me pride and status but have made me alien to the cultures I see around me.